Sometimes I feel like there are two “me’s” in this world. There is the one “me” that most everybody sees, the one who is positive and engaged, and who firmly believes in the phrase “fake it till you make it.” Almost everyone sees this me on a regular basis. They have no idea that I’m so exhausted I am about to fall over, or that all I want to do is scream because of the pain. I realize that no one out there wants to see me scream in pain, and no one wants to hear a detailed description of every part of my body that hurts, so I hide it. I am this person the majority of the time, I rarely let my guard down. Sometime i’ll let my guard down a little bit and share a little bit of my life with someone, but I always hold back the majority of for fear of overwhelming them. In truth the only person who has seen it all is Bart. He sees my anger, frustration, exhaustion, and pain. He sees it all and sticks by me, he’s a good guy!
The fact that I don’t share myself with everyone can be a real barrier to relationship, but so can dumping all your problems on someone. I do not have the knack of finding the in between, I wish I did. I have a friend who has a major illness and she always manages to walk this line like a pro, I’d love to be like her. The things you have to figure out when you have a chronic illness!