What to eat when you can’t eat anything

I ran into an article here about artificial sugars and it reminded me of a conclusion I came to a long time ago from reading about “natural” living, I can’t eat anything.

-I can’t eat meat because it’s pumped full of hormones and antibiotics. Unless of course I keep a cow in my back yard and feed it a diet of organic grass (my HOA would love that). Then again, it would be cruel and unusual to keep a cow in my small back yard, so I’ll have to plant organic grass in my front yard and build a fence for the cow. My HOA will probably be OK with this because I’m demonstrating sustainable living.

-I can’t drink milk because pasteurization is unhealthy and takes out all the vitamins and unpasteurized milk is dangerous

-I can’t eat fruit unless it’s local and organic (never mind the fact that I live in a huge city and there are no local farms in the middle of Houston and I’m not a millionaire who can pay $3 for one apple)

-Because of more antibiotics and evil chemicals, I can’t have anything with real sugar or fake sugar because they are artificial and processed and are probably causing all my joint pain.

– I can’t eat anything in a package because package foods are the cause of all our modern day illnesses and behavioral problems (eat packaged Oreos when you’re pregnant, watch out, your kid will be autistic!)

– I can’t eat eggs unless I can afford local and cage free because everyone knows chicken farms are the most evil place on earth (and again, no organic farms in the city of Houston. What are people thinking to not build farms in the middle of the city?)

-I can’t make soup using chicken broth unless I’ve raised the chicken, plucked and skinned it myself and boiled the carcass. Any other method of preparation will ensure my death due to antibiotics, chemicals, and questionable preparation methods.

– Bread is verboten as the carbs will cause me to have a heart attack and the sugar is processed and refined which will cause my brain to swell and eventually explode.

– Pasta in any form is processed, so that’s definitely not something I can eat. Even if I make it myself that involves flour, which is also processed and will make my head explode (as I stated before) so too bad, pasta is a no go.

And if I forget and consume any or all of these things then my pain and exhaustion are all my fault and I will eventually die a long painful death. So now I’ll just live off organic celery since that’s the only organic vegetable I can afford, although come to think of it, it’s not locally grown, so it will probably be instrumental in my eventual death.

*Please note, this post is a tiny bit sarcastic.

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One thought on “What to eat when you can’t eat anything

  1. I know how you feel. I am trying to eat non-processed food only – but it is so difficult when I am normally exhausted and hardly able to shove a frozen pizza in the oven!!

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