Forgiveness has always been hard for me. I don’t get upset about the little things and I don’t get easily offended, but if you do something big enough to offend me, watch out, I’ll remember it for forever. My husband teases me about “the list” which he says consists of all the people who have ever treated me very badly. I maintain the list exists, however since there is only one person on it, and it’s been the same person for a long time, I don’t think I’m as bad at holding grudges as he thinks. I haven’t added to it in 10 years, granted the same person has been on it for that length of time and I probably should have forgiven her by now, but still, at least there aren’t a ton of people on it.
I’ve been thinking about forgiveness and grudges lately.There are a lot of people who have treated me badly because of my health problems, and while I like to think I’ve forgiven them, they aren’t on my Christmas list, and I’ll definitely never let my guard down around them. I’ve struggled with hard feelings about doctors who are responsible for my now life long disability because they wouldn’t listen to me when I told them something was wrong. I struggle with people who blame me for my illness, who assume that I must have done something wrong for God to curse me with a body that doesn’t work correctly (don’t get me started on that one). While I’ve been weighing this all in my mind, I stumbled upon a quote by CS Lewis which I can’t find now, but what he said really struck me. He talked about how forgiveness isn’t always forgetting, it doesn’t mean you have the be best friends with the person, you just have to wish them well. My thought was “I can do that, that’s not too hard!” Of course, it is harder then I thought, but I’m making some progress.