Of late I have started to feel like I am becoming my illness. It’s taken over my life from the very second of its ill timed appearance. I’ve always tried to not let it color my interactions with others, but lately I’ve found myself letting my illness color everything and not in a good way. I spend way too much time being jealous and upset because people don’t get it and haven’t walked in my shoes and I don’t like it. I don’t want my illness to be me, I want it to be something that happened to me. I can let illness make me bitter and jealous or I can let it help me to be kind, considerate, and compassionate. Right now at this moment I feel envious and mistrustful but I want to become a better person then that.
I spend a lot of time being annoyed that I’m an quiet extrovert and mad at my crappy broken body which doesn’t allow me to be an extrovert. It just seems like a recipe for unhappiness, it doesn’t even make sense! Others seem to move around me while I am stuck, invisible, and in the middle in isolation and self pity. It’s a cycle I’m always trying to break, and I usually do, but then I find myself back in the same old cycle again and I get so frustrated with myself! If I know how I should be then why is it so hard to get there? Ugh, life is so frustrating.