suffer

Getting through the bad days

I am coming off a week of absolute craziness. I knew I was overdoing it, I knew I was going to have to pay for it, and I knew I was going to be grumpy and frustrated when the crash came. Sure enough I crashed and yes, I am very grumpy about it. I know I’m supposed to have a positive attitude but I just don’t. I’m grumpy enough that thinking about being positive just makes me more grumpy.

Sometimes I just want to be allowed to wallow in self pity and a negative attitude. So I woke up this morning with a bad attitude and I was determined to let myself keep it without feeling guilty. However, one look into my sons big brown eyes threw me off as he asked me “Mommy are we going to do something fun today?” Dang it, he just won’t let me sit here and feel sorry for myself. So, this is what I decided. I am going to have a pity party but I’m not going to sit here and think about what I am missing or how things could be different. I’m not going to torture myself about how my house could be cleaner or I how I would have more friends or I could be a better mom if I wasn’t sick. I’m just going to let myself be a little sad that I can’t do what I want to do, but that’s it. I’m going to be sad that I don’t have control over my body, but I’m not going to torture myself with what-ifs. This means I’ve banned myself from social media, it just reminds me of what I can’t do and that’s not healthy during my pity parties.

It’s raining and grey outside which is not improving my mood, so now I’m sorting laundry and feeling annoyed with the weather. If it were sunny I’d go outside and push my son in the swing and enjoy how the sunshine can almost always improve my mood. But since the weather is not cooperating today, I’m going to try to keep myself as busy as possible so my sadness doesn’t slip into depression because I know myself and I know if I watch tv and eat cookie dough my sadness with quickly spiral our of control. Still I know it is okay to be sad, not even healthy people are happy and positive all the time. So I am going to focus on getting through this hard day and after that I will continue  to take one day at a time.

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