Despite what my near relations like to think, I try to put a positive spin on everything. I don’t spend a lot of time laying around bemoaning my sad state thinking that God is picking on me. I try not to dwell on the bad things and I try to enjoy the many good things in my life. All this positivity had a side effect, it makes me look like I have my shit together when I’m really mess. Aren’t we all really a mess inside? Don’t most of us put a brave face to the world even when we we are screaming inside our heads? Don’t we spend at least some part of our lives acting like we are okay when we aren’t?
I believe in helping others and sometimes that means not dumping my problems onto them, but why do I act like I’m okay when it’s all I can do to keep the pieces in my life from completely falling apart? People tell me they don’t know how I do it that they would fall apart if they were in my situation and I want to scream NOBODY GAVE ME A CHOICE! I can either curl up in a ball and die or I can continue on and I choose to continue on, but I’m still a mess sometimes.
Life is ugly for most of us. There has been so much trial and hardship going on around me lately, and I’m not talking about mine. I don’t know what it is about 2014 but it seems there has been blow after blow to many of my friends. Death, illness, unemployment, financial troubles, children with special needs, marriage issues, you name it I’ve seen it all lately. I’m really wondering how much can go wrong for so many people in such a short time. When things for others get rough I get asked how I’ve weathered my storm without hating God and the truth is there have been times when I did hate God. I would kneel to pray and all I could think was
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I’m not proud of it, but that’s the truth. And it didn’t happen just once, it happened over and over and over again. I have always been a questioner and a rebel so faith has never come easy to me. So when I found my faith challenged you can bet I did not weather the challenge gracefully. I met my challenges with hate and despair and anger and I have never been so convinced that I was totally alone.
I wish I could say that after a short time a rainbow appeared and with it my faith magically healed, but it didn’t. I’ve slowly put the pieces of my life pack together and slowly I have reconstructed my faith into something different then before. Something that has been broken in half and soldered back together is not as strong as it was once, but having been put to the test it has proved its meddle. The pieces have been put back together to form something new and different. I can not say if it is better or worse then before, all I can say is that it is there and the pieces continue to hold for now. I can accept that.