So in honor of my stupidity I was thinking about all the best ways to distract myself from pain. These are all things that have been suggested to me one time or another. #sarcasm #sorrynotsorry
1) Ignore it– because if you pretend it’s not there it won’t actually be there?
2) Embrace it– Because we all know pain is just our brains telling us something, so if you embrace the pain your brain will stop telling you to feel it?
3) Exercise– Because nothing works better than continuing the activity that caused the pain in the first place!
4) Rest– Theoretically good advice, but when every muscle in my body is twitching from pain the muscles just won’t stop and listen to me, damn them.
5) Voodoo– Because it works people.
6) Drink special vitamin mix– Because it cured my (fill in the blank here) condition, and it only costs 405 installments of $99!
7) Stop being so self centered- Everything is not about you, maybe you wouldn’t be in pain if you weren’t trying to be the center of attention.
8) Go on a cleanse diet– You hurt because you’re full of toxins, stop eating and you’ll be cured!
9) Sing a song– Music soothes the soul, even a tortured one.
10) Think about something else- Perhaps try to write that blog post you’ve been putting off, perhaps you finish your essay for your college class, or an article you’re working on writing. It will totally work, you writing will look like this:
The horny spotted toad (OUCH) lives in the rain forest (I HURT) and survives on eating hot-dogs (WAIT, HOT-DOGS? THAT DOESN’T SOUND RIGHT, OH WELL). The toad is hunted my man (PAIN OH PAIN) for their rather tasty eyeballs (EYEBALLS, IS THAT RIGHT? SOUNDS CLOSE ENOUGH). The toad is indigenous to the island (MY LEGS ARE SHAKING THEY HURT SO BAD) of Australia (HUH, AUSTRALIA ISN’T AN ISLAND, WHAT IS IT? HMM, I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD KNOW THIS). The toad was first (CRAP THE PAIN IS NOT GOING AWAY) discovered by an Entomologist (DON’T THEY STUDY BUGS? HMMM, I’M PRETTY SURE TOAD’S AREN’T BUGS, BUT I CAN’T FOCUS RIGHT NOW) Clifford Dingleberry (OUCH, OUCH OUCH). Clifford was originally looking for a new source of (I’M FREAKING HURTING) water because he (I’M GOING TO DIE) thought all the water in the world was poisoned by his arch enemy Moriarty (WAIT, ISN’T THAT A DIFFERENT STORY?). Clifford never found a new water source (I FREAKING CAN’T THINK ANYMORE, THIS IS POINTLESS).
^ This is only a small sample of what it is like for a normally intelligent person who experiences chronic pain. It sucks and as much as you try to distract yourself, your pain level gets high enough that distraction just isn’t effective. One day I write a serious post about tips for pain distraction, but the truth is there is only so much you can do. I obviously use sarcasm to distract myself, too bad nobody thinks it’s funny besides my husband and my sisters (bless them)!