Moving backwards

Lately I feel like everyone is moving forward with their lives while I am moving backward. My friends are starting new jobs, having new babies, and developing new talents. This week I am revisiting the past as my doctor decided I needed to go back on antibiotics because some of my Lyme symptoms have returned. So instead of moving forward I am doing what I already did, a horrible antibiotic regimen that will screw up my entire body.

Again.

It will be good for me in the long run, but it is horribly defeating to be going backwards. I’m no longer standing in the same place watching and waiting as I see others moved in front of me. Now for each step others take forward I’m taking a step backward getting farther and farther away from what is normal. The distance between me and others continues to grow as my treatment drags on for years and my strength to fight lessons with each new defeat.

I don’t want to give the impression that I’m sitting around feeling sorry for myself because I am not. Rather as I continue on with my normal life I feel like the distance between me and normal people has increased and our ability to relate to each other has gone out the window. My every day struggle is so different from most people I feel like we live in different worlds. We go along with our own lives and yet our lives never intersect with one another. I find myself unable the cross the line into the world of having physical health. I suppose that is one of the reason’s why chronic illness is so hard and why it is important to be part of community of sick people.

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6 thoughts on “Moving backwards

  1. I know how much it sucks to feel like you are not moving forward (or worse moving backwards). I hope this round of antibiotics leaves you with some great improvements so that you can once again feel like you are moving forward.

  2. Oh man, what a bummer to know what a course of treatment is going to do to you and to have to do it *anyway*… Like, seriously, how are you supposed to mentally pep yourself up for that one?!

    The way I see it, it may feel like we're stuck or going backwards right NOW, but that's because of the phase of life we're in. Some years down the road when our friends' bodies start to rebel due to old age and use/misuse and tragedy, then we will be the ones way ahead of the game with experience, the ability to support, advise, inform, etc. We just have to put up with the current awkwardness of being out of place until our place catches up with us. It's hard. I don't want to miss out on this part of life, but it seems that's my lot.

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