This was originally posted in 2012 but I’ve made some updates as my kids have both had adenoids removed and my spouse now has a CPAP machine to theoretically control snoring.
Shelley’s steps to achieving a good nights sleep
1. Kick out (not literally) any and all kids that are trying to sleep in your bed
2. Switch on heating pad
3. Crank up the air conditioning so you don’t swelter to death from said heating pad (if you live in a hot climate like me. If not feel free to go to step four)
4. Remind awake children that it is now 11:00 PM and they are not going to like getting up for school tomorrow so they better go to sleep.
5. Close door, turn on fan, insert ear plugs to block out the sounds of children coughing or talking,
6. Spouse has already started snoring. Wake him up and make him put on his CPAP machine.
7. Toss and turn for approximately 1/2 hr
8. As you almost fall asleep spouse sleepwalks to the light and turns it on, effectively putting you back to step five.
9. Turn the AC even lower, because your tossing and turning has made you even warmer
10. Finally give in and take prescription medication that is supposed to help you sleep
11. Thwart your child’s second attempt to sneak into your bed
12. Almost asleep but your spouse has removed his CPAP machine again, so you have to force him to put it back on even though his sleepwalking self doesn’t want you to.
13. Finally fall asleep, a good two to three hours after you started the process
14. 4:00 AM- Wake up to sleepwalking spouse rearranging the bookshelf. Coax him back to bed.
15. 5:00 AM – You still can’t go back to sleep
16. 6:00 AM- One more hour until you have to wake up
18. 6:45 AM- Finally asleep!
19. 7:00 AM- Alarm goes off, time to get up!
This is my life people.