I’m really good at ignoring pain. If ignoring pain were a professional sport I would be in the Olympics. I function on a daily pain level that would put most people in bed whimpering, but this much pain is killing me. I’ve been flaking out on half the stuff I committed to lately. I very carefully planned out my schedule for December and even though it was busy I didn’t over commit myself and left a decent amount of time for rest. My body clearly had different ideas. Now I’m flaking out of my commitments left and right. I’m relatively sure a lot of my friends are annoyed about how many events I’ve promised to come to and then cancelled at the last moment.
I wish I could explain what this pain feels like to other people. I wish they could take my pain just for one second so that they would have an idea of what I deal with. I know I’d get a lot more sympathy and a lot more help. The other day I was having as really hard time. I was hurting so badly and I was depressed because it’s Christmas and I want to enjoy it instead of huddling at home being miserable. I was depressed because everyone is so busy and I should be too but my body won’t let me. And then I saw all the sympathy and offers for help a friend was getting on facebook for having the flu (this is why I avoid that hellhole, I don’t know what convinced me to log on). I was angry and hurt and frustrated and I wanted to scream WHAT ABOUT ME! I DEAL WITH THIS EVERY FREAKING DAY AND I NEVER GET ANY SYMPATHY. NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME AT ALL YOU JUST GET ANNOYED WHEN I FLAKE OUT AND THEN YOU FORGET ABOUT ME. I was not in a good place, clearly.
Yeah, pain makes me angry and selfish. Suddenly my better nature goes out the window and I lose all patience and thought for other people. I’m not proud of it, but being in constant pain is hard. Sometimes I gloss over what it is really like to have a chronic illness. I convince myself and others that it’s okay and it’s all sunshine and rainbows, but then I have a meltdown over a Facebook posts and it reminds me that this is hard. There is no chronic illness boot camp, this was just thrown in my lap and I had to learn how to deal with it on my own. Sometimes I do a good job at dealing with things and sometimes I mess up in a major way. Sometimes I am totally in control of my problems, other times I sink into the despair and pain and it’s okay. The important thing is I’m learning to forgive myself for these freak outs and each time I go through this cycle I learn something new.