life

Chronic illness is lonely

There’s a moment when it hits you, that because of your illness you’ve been forgotten. You’ve tried to stay around, to not disappear every time your pain level spikes, to help out other people even when you’re hurting, but it wasn’t good enough. You did everything to pretend that you were well so that you could fit in and belong with the normal people, but you failed. You have faded into obscurity because You are not like them.

You can’t do everything they do, so you don’t belong. There is a barrier between you and them, a barrier that is very difficult to cross. Despite all the work you do to try to cross it, in the end only they have the power to reach across the barrier and pull you to the other side. Other people are moving on with their lives. They’re managing their careers, creating families, developing new friendships. And you, your life depends on how bad the weather is that day, or how long it takes you to recover from standing in line at the DMV, or whether or not the doctor screwed up your prescription. You don’t know or understand what is going on in your body, but you wish that somehow you friends did. Because maybe that would take away the pain.

Your life is

separate
different
isolated
lonely

Sometimes you feel ashamed. Like it’s all your fault that you’ve found yourself alone. If only you could have done better or fought harder. If only you hadn’t pushed people away to avoid judgment and hurt.  If only you could be better, happier, stronger, or selfless. You must have become too withdrawn, too prideful for others to want to be around you.

But it’s alright you’re doing fine.

* If you know me in real life, don’t worry about me after reading this depressing post. I wrote it some time ago, but I wasn’t sure if I should publish it. I just finally got the courage to post it today because pain shouldn’t be painted over. 

Facebook Comments

11 thoughts on “Chronic illness is lonely

  1. *sigh*
    For me, I'm usually not angry at others or leaving me behind… usually. I'm pissed at circumstances beyond my control, at genetic diseases and bullshit luck.

  2. Been here too. We go through so many things with chronic illness that sometimes I feel like I have a split personality – not just 2 but many. i like the one with no pain best! Thanks for always sharing you fibro posts at Fibro Blogger Directory and helping others with fibro

  3. True, realized today that if I go to the store tonight, I'm not walking around the block also. Weird, never thought I'd come down to such a simple 'either' 'or'.

  4. I feel the same, but what annoys me the most is when a friend says I've become distant. It's not that. It's that I don't always feel well and want to be left alone. When a friend says I'm distant, I get guilty. Then I really avoid the person. I need to address the issue with this particular friend and how it makes me feel when I'm told I've been distant.

    There is a new linkup I'm hosting every Friday for spoonie bloggers to linkup posts about chronic illness. I'd love for you to join us! http://www.beingfibromom.com/chronic-friday-linkup-1/

    Gentle hugs, Brandi, Being Fibro Mom

    1. I have the same problem. I think that friends just assume I don't want to be with them because I'm not always engaging. I have a tendency to disappear when I'm not feeling well because I don't want to bring other people down. It's so hard to manage friendships with healthy people. I will definitely check out your link up!

  5. This is the first time in months where I feel like someone else can understand what I have been feeling. My family and friends brush off everything I say as if I am just being lazy. I have felt completely alone. My husband tries but I know he can't fully understand. Thanks for this. I wish I had found your blog sooner.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *