Note: If you don’t have a sense of humor proceed at your own risk
Dear chronic pain patients,
In the last few years it’s come to the attention of the media, politicians, and society that people who take opioids for chronic pain are actually just a bunch of addicted junkies. You addicts whine and cry about how much you are suffering, but we really know that you are in denial. You actually want to be in pain. You like suffering 24/7 and being told that you should just get over it. You like spending thousands of dollars going from doctor to doctor trying to find one who will take your pain seriously. You have the nerve to believe that your pain should be treated even though you are all clearly junkies.
If you have ever in your entire life taken one pain pill you are an addict. It doesn’t matter if you:
- had surgery
- have taken medication responsibly
- have passed all drug tests and pill counts
- are disabled
- have a documented disease known to cause extreme pain
- have been allowed by evil doctors to take pain medication previously
- are dying
You are an addict. The only exception to these rules in cancer, because cancer is a disease approved by society. It’s only approved when you have active cancer though, once you’re in remission and you are still claiming that cancer is causing you pain it’s too bad for you. You should be over it by now.
You might think pain medication is approved for people who are dying, but it’s not because people who are dying might become addicted and become another statistic in the terrifying opioid epidemic. After all 64,000 people died of drug overdoses in 2016 and we’d really prefer if people with fatal diseases would just die in horrific pain instead of adding to the overdose statistics. So please, just offer some cooperation and go quietly.
This whole epidemic is really the fault of people in pain who dared to take the pain medication as prescribed. Of course very few of the 64,000 overdoses were people prescribed pain medication by a doctor, but that fact is immaterial. It’s also immaterial that in 2016 88,000 people died from cases related to alcohol and 480,000 from cigarettes. We are still banning all pain medication and keeping alcohol and cigarettes legal because we like those kind of addicts, they make us warm and fuzzy (our bank accounts anyway). Clearly the 20,000 opioid pill deaths (most not prescribed by a doctor) are a way bigger problem than anything else this country has ever faced. It is imperative that we freak out right now.
You don’t need to be treated for pain you need to be treated like an addict. Don’t get me wrong you still won’t get mental health services or help for your “addiction”, but we’re going to treat you like drug addicts are treated (subhuman). We’re going to scream and cry about how bad you are for society, but we’re not really going to do anything about it besides take away pain pills. So don’t come crying to us the next time you have surgery. We’re not going to help you look for affordable pain relief, and we’re not going to look for a cure for your disease so don’t ask. We’re just going to tell you to get over it immediately. Get over your illness, get over your pain, and get over your “addiction.”
Doctors, Politicians, Society, and the News media
PS- Screw you
PPS- Just get over it