Life isn’t fair

Last week I received some majorly bad news about my health (or lack of it). It was truly devastating for my family. Though I did IV antibiotics just to please other people (I always felt in my gut that it wasn’t going to help) I couldn’t help but hold onto a little hope that something would change, so I’ve been in denial about the whole thing. I have been so much in denial that I almost didn’t tell anybody about my latest lab results (or lack of results, as nothing has changed) but I figured the people who care about me would want to know so I posted it on the good ‘ol blog and then shared it with everybody on Facebook.In my state of denial I didn’t want to talk about it in person. The result was a wonderful outpouring of love and friendship. So many wonderful people reached out to me to let me know they were sorry that things weren’t getting better and that they were thinking of me. It was a wonderful reminder to me of what is really important in life. Sure my body is falling apart and I’m like the walking dead, but I have a good life and I can get through this because I am not doing it alone. Don’t get me wrong, I hate feeling like crap and I have my moments where I want to throw things and scream about how unfair life is, but as my father used to say to me “fair is where you go to see the pigs.”

The truth is life is not fair, it’s not fair that I was born in America where I have always had adequate access to food while kids in Africa starved, but that’s the way it is. It’s not fair that all the other 28 year olds in America are able to have a career, a family, and run marathons while I’m stuck watching them from my couch, but that’s the way it is, so I’m just going to have to learn to deal with it. And I think slowly but surely I am learning to deal with it. There are less and less tearful episodes about things I cannot do that other people get to do. More and more I’m getting better at enjoying what I can do and not taking even those little things for granted. I suppose this is the “chronic” part of chronic illness. The truth is while I may get better some, I will never be fully better, so I might as well accept it. That doesn’t mean I don’t get jealous when a friend announces another pregnancy or skiing in the Alps or when they post all their marathon training stats on Facebook (I won’t lie, I have deleted friends for that reason, so if you are an exercise freak and we’re still Facebook friends, know that you must be pretty special to have made the cut), but I’m learning to deal with it.

I’ve realized that I need to not define myself by what I can do, but who I am as a person. That’s not easy to do as we are all trained from a young age to define ourselves by what we do (ie what’s your major? or what do you do? is always the first question you get when you meet someone). It’s so important for us sickies to find something else to define ourselves by, but it’s one of the hardest things to do!

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4 thoughts on “Life isn’t fair

  1. This is such a great post. I hate that you have been given this cross to bear. I get so angry at the doctors that didn't listen to you and the damn tick that bit you. I can relate to the part where you talk about seeing your friends and other people do all these things that you could do at one point but no longer are able to. So many times I've been tempted to delete people off my facebook but don't end up going through with it. I actually just broke down last night to my husband because I WANT to do more housework and be this perfect housewife that I envisioned for him, but the truth is my body just won't let me without serious consequences. At 28 years old it is one of the worst feelings- it's definitely a grieving process. Mourning the loss of the body I once took for granted. I would do anything to be able to take our dogs on a walk without it leaving me in bed for days afterwards. Sorry this is turning into a huge selfish rant, I just want you to know how much I appreciate your honesty. You express emotions and thoughts that oftentimes I am unable to and it's so comforting to know there are others out there that get it.

    1. I agree with Erin, I hate that you have to endure this battle. What a brave and honest post. I relate wholeheartedly to the frustration and envy I feel when I read all of the things others are capable of that I am not. I have broken down so many times over it. Therapy has helped me so much to process it all and to keep battling through the "chronic" part of it all. I wish you nothing but strength and support and love and health! Please know that I am thinking of you and I am there with you.
      You too Erin! Call me if you need to lady-you know I got your back, almost literally. XOXOXOX

    2. Erin, I know exactly what you mean about wanting to do housework and not being able to. I'm a clean freak and it's so frustrating to not be able to clean as much as I'd like.

      My whole post was a selfish rant so you're paragraph is nothing! Ranting on the internet is my coping mechanism. Sometimes I just think I'm ranting to myself and no one is listening, but it's so nice to hear from people who "get it."

  2. Thanks Alex! Therapy is a great idea. I've resisted it for a long time because I'm too darn independent, which is just stupid because I'm pretty sure it would help.

    I totally blog stalked you and read about your surgery, I hope you are recovering and that things will get better.

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