Warning: this post is me holding a pity party for myself. Run away screaming as fast as you can if you are looking for something uplifting.
I hate being an extrovert. People who know me will laugh, because on the surface I am not an extrovert, I’m not an overly friendly or outgoing person. I do however love being around people. I need to be around people, I hate being by myself and I hate being isolated. I discovered how much I needed to be around people when I worked at the campus library during college. After a two hour shift of shelving books and not talking to a single soul I was going crazy, it was clear that the solitary life was not for me.
I hate that this illness prevents me from being around people as much as I would like. I feel so isolated and antisocial all the time and all I want to do is go out and be with friends. I hate that my body has other plans and keeps me isolated and by myself. I want to be out doing things, I want to be excelling in a career instead of sitting at home hurting. I want to spend the weekend out with my friends instead of spending it recovering from the week. I would give anything to be one of those people who enjoys being alone, then this wouldn’t be so hard. Of course, if I’m wishing I’ll go ahead and wish that I could be magically cured while I’m at it.
My house has begun to feel like a trap. I’m stuck here by myself seeing the same scenery and doing the same thing day after the day. I want to be out changing the world and seizing the day, you know, all that inspiring stuff they tell you at your high school and college graduation. The truth comes down to this, chronic illness sucks and sometimes no matter how much you want to be positive it sucks you down and takes over everything. When it comes down to it, everything you dreamed you would be is not going to happen and all the people you want to understand you are not going to, and you’re just going to have to find a way to move on. How’s that for a depressing post? Don’t worry, I’ll be my usual positive self tomorrow, sometimes I just have to tell it like it is.