I keep getting in this cycle. I start to feel better and I go crazy doing everything I want to do, then I crash because I did way to much, and then I’m mad that I can’t do anything anymore. I’m sitting here on my couch answering emails and I’m mad that I have to be here. I want to be up cleaning my kitchen and sweeping my living room floor to my OCD standard. By normal standards, they are fine, but to MY standards my house is a mess and I’m too weak to clean it up and we’re in danger of drowning in our piles of trash (yeah, I can be dramatic).
Last time I hit this cycle I realized something I hadn’t realized before, I’m judging myself. I go on and on on this blog on the judgement other people make of me because of my chronic illness (here for example), and here I am doing the same thing to myself! I’m beating myself up for sitting down when my body is so weak it’s shaking. Why do I keep judging myself like this? I know how I feel, I know that when I’ve pushed myself so hard my whole body is shaking that it’s time to stop and rest, but I can’t give myself a break. For all my talk about how living with chronic illness is all about planning and managing, I’m just not very good at it. All the planning and managing doesn’t make my responsibilities go away, plus I really like having some fun once in a while, so I keep pushing myself.
So what’s the magic answer? I have no idea, which makes this post pretty pointless! I’m just going to keep trying to manage things better, maybe I’ll eventually figure out a magic formula. In the meantime I plan on giving myself a break.