I’ve been longing to be normal lately. I long to be able to do all the things I want to do and I am frustrated when I can’t do them. When I think about being in pain for the rest of my life I just feel discouraged. Who wants to spend their entire life being is constant pain? I’m young, I have a lot of life left to go, it’s discouraging to think that things will never get better. My pain level doesn’t vary very much, (I am in constant never ending pain), but lately it’s been stepped up a notch that I didn’t even know was there. I thought the pain couldn’t get any worse! I should know better then that.
I have had people tell me that I am doing a good job at handling things, which overall I think is true. I do go on with life and I am a happy person, but sometimes it’s just too much. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the pain, sometimes I’m overcome by the fact that I’ll live like this forever. Sometimes I can’t find a way to see a happy ending, I only see a future of unendurable pain. I’m not bitter about what has happened to me (I know plenty of people have it worse) but I can’t always find away to be satisfied with the lot I’ve been given. I am surrounded by a lot of people who have lots of abilities I don’t have and sometimes I can’t pretend to be happy for them.
Having chronic illness is like being on a roller coaster sometimes.