No Delete Friday is me just throwing out my thoughts and emotions with no editing. What you see is what you get, so be prepared for some venting ahead.
I’m tired of being sick, I’m tired of being tired all the time, I’m tired of all my limitations, I’m angry that I have no control over my situation and I hate being in pain. I’m just feeling cranky these days and I’m having a hard time mustering up cheerfulness about my situation. I try to be cheerful, I do, but sometimes things just aren’t great no matter how much you try to make things positive.
I don’t take my health for granted, I know I’m lucky that I’m functional. I’m lucky that I am not bedridden like so many others who have had Lyme disease destroy their bodies. I’m lucky that post Lyme disease I only have fibro to deal with and not a bunch of other horrible side effects but I still get so frustrated. I know I’m not healthy, I can tell my body is not functioning like its supposed to. None of the things I am dealing with are normal and yet because have fibro I just have to live with it and get on with life. I’m so tired of there being no support for people with chronic illness. If you’re sick with cancer you get all the support in the world, everyone is concerned with how you are doing and wants to help you. But if you have chronic illness it’s tough luck, you’d better learn to stop whining because no one is going to listen. I’m not saying I want cancer and I do acknowledge the difference between cancer and chronic illness is that cancer kills you, but it’s so frustrating having severe health problems that no one acknowledges or understands or even believes in. When you are always suffering and no one cares it is soul crushing. Only the strongest of people manage to keep their head above water.
I tend to use a combination of laughter and denial when it comes to dealing with being sick. This is often successful in helping me to live a fuller and happier life, but sometimes the laughter just rings hollow and I can no longer deny reality. I can’t be in a zen place all the time no matter how much I try, and I get tired of pretending like I’m always okay.