The problem with going on vacation is that I never want to come back to real life. I was able to keep on with denial for a few days last week, but today I officially can’t ignore real life any longer. It’s back to bills, to do lists, phone calls, cleaning, and doctors appointments. It’s back to being pressured to do things I don’t feel I can physically do and feeling guilty about it. No more carefree existence.
I can’t ignore my health anymore either, I have to play catch up. I ate what I wanted and did what I wanted while on vacation, now it’s back to eating healthy and carefully regulating what I do with my body. I couldn’t live a carefree life forever, but it was soooooo nice while it lasted.
The hardest part about being home for me is the boredom. I’m so entertained when I’m on vacation and this is what my gregarious nature needs. I don’t like being stuck at home and here I am, again. It’s so frustrating to have a constant need to be around people, but not to be able to do it because of health. If I had my way I’d be working full time and would be so busy I’d never be home. My body has other plans however. My health is so unpredictable there is no way I could hold a job more than a few hours a week, and it’s not easy to find a 10 hour a week job. This is just one some piece of the frustrations that come with have a chronic illness.
Still, there are good things about being home, things that remind me that I have a good life. I like sleeping in my own bed, I missed my friends, my children are on a stricter schedule which minimizes the meltdowns, and I like having my own space in my house (even if it’s my closet) and having a place to go when I need silence (there’s no silence in a hotel room when you have kids).
So I’m trying to focus on the positives and not the things that drive me up the wall. I’m not a naturally positive person, I’m more of a realist, but I have learned that there is no point on dwelling on the negative. My health is never going to get better, so while I have my down days I try not to sit around feeling my sorry for myself all the time. After all, life goes on and there are so many good parts of life even if you don’t have health.
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