Feeling sorry for myself

The following is an excerpt from my thoughts yesterday: 

I’m so tired of being sick, I’m practically and invalid and I’m just not good at it. Hey, I’m like Beth from Little Women! Except for the cheerful, sweet, makes people love her part. And the death part. Last time I checked I was still alive. Plus Beth didn’t lay in bed feeling angry, she made presents for little children and dropped them out her window. Hey, maybe I should make presents for children? Too bad I have no crafting skills whatsoever. Too bad my hands don’t work. Too bad I don’t like children. Wait, you have kids, you should like children what is wrong with you? Sigh. Why can’t I be like Beth? Why can’t I be the long suffering but happy sick person who makes others around her feel better? Crap, I’m just not very good at the invalid thing.

Note to self: When you start comparing yourself to Beth from Little Women you are wallowing a bit too much. You don’t have to be Beth just because you have a chronic illness. Your personality is still like Jo but with the illness of Beth mixed in. Wait, those personalities aren’t congruent, no wonder you’re a crazy person. Okay, invalid or not you need to get out of the house. Go Christmas Shopping right now!

At Store in line for checkout:

Great, I got the presents I needed. I’m feeling better about this. Oh wait, I forgot my wallet at home. I was too busy thinking about Little Women to remember I took it out of my purse to look up a phone number. I knew I shouldn’t have left the house today. Chronic illness has destroyed my brain, what made me think I think I could go Christmas shopping?

Back at home:

Flop on couch. I should just accept my fate and allow myself to be grumpy and wallow in misery. It’s too much work to try to have an actual life. This sucks, I suck.

Checking email while lying on the couch:

Wow seven new emails from really sick people looking for answers. Wow these people have had to deal with a lot more than I have. They are just beginning their journey with chronic illness. I remember when I was just beginning it was so overwhelming and confusing. Now I’m just a seasoned pro. Huh, things used to be a lot worse then they are now. I am pretty functional when you think about it. I guess I’m not really an invalid anymore. Maybe things aren’t so bad.

End Scene

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