I’m worn out. There’s no other word for it. I am fatigued from being sick and trying to live a life where I am not. I am worn out from other people’s expectations of the way I should live. I’m worn out from being ignored and disrespected because I have a chronic illness. I’m worn out from seeing other people get temporarily sick and getting tons of support while I’m treated like I don’t exist. I’m worn out from having to explain myself and my life. And yet I still crave responsibility. I crave human contact. I feel tired of explaining to people while simultaneously wishing I could be around them.
I think I have emotional fatigue from having a chronic illness.
This week I’m going to rest. I’m going to rest from explaining and justifying myself. I’m not going to act like I’m healthy and I’m not going to apologize for it. And I am going to rest and take care of myself without apology. How do you rest when you have a chronic illness and you spend most of your time physically resting? I am going to rest mentally and physically.
1) I am going to read books and I’m not going to feel bad about it. I’m going to let myself laugh and cry and enjoy fictional characters without feeling like I should be doing something.
2) I will allow myself to feel sad about my illness. I will acknowledge that being sick sucks and it took a lot away from me. I will not put on my fighting face each and every morning while I prepare to pretend like being sick isn’t that big of a deal.
3) I will not push myself beyond my limits. I know my limits, but other people do not and they often pressure me to go beyond them. This week I will not cave. I will do what I am capable of doing and no more. I am going to prioritize self care.
4) I am ignoring all people who feel the need to judge my illness. I refuse to deal with them this week. If they can’t understand the boundaries that I’ve set up and refuse to respect me then I am not going to interact with them. I am not going to allow them to effect how I feel about myself. I do not need their negativity this week.
5) I am embracing meditation. Now that my kids are in school I finally have time to think again, but I don’t always think in helpful ways. I’m going to meditate every day in order to get my mind into a more restful and accepting place.
Those are my goals for this week. My hope is that they provide me with a little healing. Theoretically these are things I should do all the time, but that isn’t realistic for me right now. I hope I can get some emotional rest so that I’m ready to take on the world again at a later date.