1. Make sure you pick a real illness– don’t pick a fake one like Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue, or Lyme Disease. because people will never believe you. Make sure it’s well know enough that people have heard of it, but it also has to be difficult to diagnose. If it can be confirmed by a blood test, pick something else (Lyme Disease is a tricky one since the blood tests are useless).
2. To be authentic, make sure you stop doing everything that makes you happy. If you like doing anything athletic, you’re going to have to give it up because most people with chronic illness have severe limitations. If you’re really smart you’re going to have to dumb it down a little, because a lot of people with chronic illness suffer from mental fatigue and difficulty processing things. You’ll have to dumb down your reading a bit as well, as concentrating when you have a chronic illness can often be difficult. Additionally, you’ll have to cut down on the shopping because people with chronic illness often can’t leave the house, and chronic illness is expensive so you shouldn’t have much money.
3. Pare down your friends list. People with chronic illness often lose friends when they get uncomfortable with illness or just lose touch when the sick person falls out of sight. To really be authentic you’re going to have to let go of some friendships, or no one is going to believe you. You might get lucky and have some friends that stick around after you drop out from society, but if you give it time they may eventually go away.
4. Increase how often you go to the doctor. People with chronic illness have to make regular doctor appointments. If they are on any pain medication they have to go every thirty days, so you’re really going to have to step it up. Be aware that this increase in seeing the doctor is going to cost you several hundred dollars a month. You will also have to spend your whole day waiting, so be prepared. Additionally, as most people with chronic illness are exhausted by day long appointments, make sure you spend the next few days at home “recovering.”
5. Sometimes you will have to fake being well. Most people with chronic illness fake being healthy on a regular basis so you’re going to have to be very mindful of your behavior. You must fake having a chronic illness while faking being well at certain times. This will be a difficult type rope to walk, so it’s only for the accomplished faker.
* Before you bring out the pitchforks, please note that this is satire