The costs of being sick are astronomical. It’s hard to keep up with the endless medical bills. Here’s some simple solutions that have been presented to me by various doctors.
1. Exercise more
Everyone knows that only fat and lazy people get sick. If you just stop eating potato chips and get up off the couch then you wouldn’t need to go to the doctor and waste all that money. You’re too fatigued to walk? Try running. If you just move really really fast your fatigue will disappear.
2. Stop being female
Woman are always complaining and hysterically making up ailments. Woman are all fakers, which is why they’re the inferior sex. If you were a man you’d suck it up and never get medical treatment. You wouldn’t need to spend money on the doctor if you just turned into a real man.
3. Listen to the doctor when he says your crazy
When a doctor tells you you’re crazy go ahead and put some cash in his hand and thank him for pointing out something you TOTALLY DIDN’T KNOW. It’s like a light bulb went off and all you questions are answered thanks to his gracing you with his presence and superior brain. You must be crazy because he said so! Admitting this will save you from the cost of the next dozen doctors who also won’t take you seriously.
4. Stop eating
Everything you’re currently eating is poison. If you’re eating fruits and vegetables every day, IT’S NOT ENOUGH! Those fruits and veggies are poison unless they are organic, locally grown, and non GMO. Anything else is killing you. Are you drinking pasteurized milk? Because if you’re not drinking non pasteurized milk from the cow milked in your backyard that morning you are just asking to be sick. If you can’t afford these things just stop eating, then you will be cured and won’t have to go to the doctor. ALL FOOD IS POISON, STOP BOTHERING THE DOCTOR WITH YOUR POISONED BODY.
5. Remind yourself that you’re just on your period and you’re just hysterical
Women on their periods cannot be trusted because they’re emotional and out of control. I mean you have blood pouring out of your body every single month, how insane is that? If men had periods they would have come up with a better way to do it by now, this just shows how inefficient women are. You’re all “sensitive” so if you just remind yourself that your own body and emotions cannot be trusted you won’t need to go to the doctor. Remember you’re not feeling sensitive because you’re in pain, it’s because your lady feelings can’t be trusted. Remember this and you will save you money and keep you from wasting the doctor’s time.
6. Have you thought about taking Acetaminophen (Tylenol) for your excruciating pain?
You’ve probably never thought about this, but you need to take Acetaminophen for your excruciating pain (it’s what the CDC recommends after all). I know you’re just sitting around hurting and so you can’t muster the brain cells to think you should do something about it besides going to the doctor, but really Acetaminophen will solve all your problems. It fixes all pain! Recovering from surgery, take it! Broken leg, take it! Complicated autoimmune disease, take it! Heart bypass, take it! If you just took Acetaminophen instead of going to the doctor you’d save loads of money.
7. Stop making up diseases, then you won’t have to pay for them
Though this was somewhat covered in previous statements it needs some more emphasis. You are wasting doctor’s time with your fake disease and complaining about how much it costs. If you just got over yourself and stopped acting like being sick was a problem then you’d save tons of money.
8. Have you tried being positive?
If you are actually sick it’s because you have a bad attitude. If you just tried harder to be happy about your illness then you’d get better.
*Note I’ve use male pronouns to refer to doctors only because every doctor that has treated me like crap has been male. This does not mean that female doctors are entirely innocent.