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You’ve probably already read my serious version of what people with chronic illness really want for Christmas, the following is the wishful thinking version of what people with chronic illness really want this year.
It’s that time again, time to think about buying presents for everyone you know. Time to stress about who you may or may not have forgotten. Time to wander the mall aimlessly looking for something to give. Well wander no more, I have a list of some fabulous gifts I would love and your loved one with a chronic illness will too.
1. The ability to sleep all night
I would love forever the person who could get me this gift. This is me most nights even after I’ve taken a sedative powerful enough to knock out a horse. And in the rare instance that I fall asleep after hours of trying, do not, I repeat DO NOT disturb me. You won’t like what you see.
2. The iPotty
When you have a chronic illness you spend a lot of time in the bathroom, and it just gets boring. That’s where the iPotty comes in hand (and while we’re at it an iPad would be nice). It securely holds your iPad while you do your business. Amazing.
3. A new brain
My brain has been severely impacted by my illness. You might think that constant pain and exhaustion would have no effect on your brain, but once you’ve left the ice cream in the pantry and the spoon in the freezer you know this is for real. Please please get me a new brain. If you do I promise to donate it to science after I die.
4. A new body
Obviously my body is defective so if you can get me a new one that would be great, it would go great with my new brain. I’ll be a changed person after I get my new body! No more 24/7 pain and horrible exhaustion, no more people telling me I’m crazy for knowing something was wrong with my body. I would love you forever if you got me this gift.
5. Essential Oils to cure me
Ever since I got sick I’ve been waiting for the right cure to come along. Nothing has worked so far, but some random person I knew from high school messaged me to tell me they know how to cure my condition! They tell me that essential oils are the answer and they just happen to sell them! I must have all the essential oils right now, and their sold at the low low price of $1,000 a bottle!
6. A good doctor
Good doctors are really hard to find so if you could get one for me that would be great. If you can get the new doctor to come Christmas morning that would be even better. Having a decent doctor pop out from behind the Christmas tree would be astonishing. And then having a doctor who actually listens are cares about me would be an amazing present. Another acceptable option would be for you to go to medical school yourself and present this gift to me a couple years down the road when you become a doctor.
7. The ability to wear sweatpants everywhere and have it be socially acceptable
Having a chronic illness has made my skin very sensitive. A lot of clothes are very uncomfortable and actually cause me pain, so I wear a lot of sweatpants. The thing is, I know they aren’t socially acceptable to wear outside your home unless you’re going to Walmart. So if you could create a way to make sweatpants a fashion statement I would be grateful.
8. Reprogram time
I have this problem. My biological clock really likes the midnight to 9:00 am sleep schedule. Unfortunately for me the world is against me. Everyone else thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to begin mornings before 7:00 am. That’s just not okay, so I’d really like for time to be reprogrammed. For example, if you could change the starting time of my kids’ school to about 10:00 that would be great,.
9. A relaxing beach vacation
Adulting is bad enough as it is, but being sick makes being an adult even harder. Us sickies really deserve to spend some time doing nothing. We deserve it even more than you…because. I could really use some time at the beach doing nothing. Bonus points for a beach in a foreign country.
10. Convince the government to stop treating chronic pain patients like criminals
As much as I love being judged by doctors, politicians, pharmacists, strangers on the side of the road and anyone else who has an opinion about my health, it would be really nice if you could convince those people that my health is none of their business. If you want to go the extra mile you could even convince the FDA that drug addicts are not the ones who pay when they criminalize pain killers. Drug addicts will always find a way to get their fix, but chronic pain patients who try to get pain medication through the right channels are thwarted at every turn.
11. The Squatty Potty
As I mentioned earlier, when you have a chronic illness you spend a lot of time in the bathroom. So when I saw the unicorn squatty potty commercial, I was hooked. I knew that unicorn was the answer to all of my problems. I had to have the squatty potty and its accompanying unicorn toilet spray so I can poop like a unicorn. (Okay, so I hear this actually works, but a unicorn, really?)
I’m always being reminded that I should have a positive attitude, I’m quite the failure for not having one. I know I should just smile and get over it, but I just can’t seem to manage it. That’s where you can come in! Only you can fix me and my inadequacy, but act quickly before I run out of time.
I promise that if you get your special someone one of these gifts here, they will be blown away!