Faking chronic illness is not nearly as easy as people think, it actually takes a lot of time and preparation. Before you undertake this project, here are a few tips to keep in mind.
1. Make sure you’re faking a real chronic illness
Don’t pick a fake illness like Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue, or Lyme Disease. because people will never believe you. Make sure it’s well known enough that people have heard of it, but it also has to be difficult to diagnose. If it can be confirmed by a blood test, pick something else with more ambiguity. Plus, there are already too many people out there faking Fibromyalgia, you’ll have too much competition.
2. To be authentic, make sure you stop doing everything that makes you happy
If you like doing anything athletic, you’re going to have to give it up because most people with chronic illness have severe limitations. Also if you’re really smart you’re going to have to dumb it down a little, because a lot of people with chronic illness suffer from brain fog, mental fatigue, and difficulty processing information. You’ll have to dumb down your reading a bit as well, as concentrating when you have a chronic illness can often be difficult.
You’ll have to cut down on the shopping because people with chronic illness often can’t leave the house, and chronic illness is expensive so you shouldn’t have much money anyway. If you’re going for authenticity make sure you cancel all your plans at the last minute to make it look like you’re actually sick. Real sick people often try to make plans, but then their body doesn’t end up cooperating.
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3. Get rid of your friends
Pare down your list of friends. People with chronic illness often lose friends when they get uncomfortable with illness or just lose touch when the sick person falls out of sight. To really be authentic you’re going to have to let go of some friendships or no one is going to believe you. You might get lucky and have some friends that stick around after you drop out of society, but if you give it time they may eventually go away.
4. Increase how often you go to the doctor
People with chronic illnesses have to make regular doctor appointments. If they are on any pain medication they have to go every thirty days, so you’re really going to have to step it up. Be aware that this increase in seeing the doctor is going to cost you several hundred dollars a month. You will also have to spend your whole day waiting, so be prepared. Additionally, as most people with chronic illness are exhausted by day-long appointments, make sure you spend the next few days at home “recovering.”
Also, don’t forget that doctors regularly label people with chronic pain as addicts, so be prepared to be treated like a worm. You’ll have to pretend to be upset when all your ailments are ignored in the face of the accusation that you’re an addict. Additionally, be prepared to be harassed by your insurance company and your pharmacist. Because of all the fakers out there pharmacists now have more power than doctors, so be prepared to act upset when a pharmacist uses their new power to deny you medication. Don’t worry though since you’re really only faking it’s not your life they are trying to destroy.
5. Sometimes you will have to fake being well
Most people with chronic illness fake being healthy on a regular basis so you’re going to have to be very mindful of your behavior. You must fake having a chronic illness while faking being well at certain times. You’ll have to be very organized and on task to do this because for really sick people this takes up a lot of their time and energy. Keep in mind that this will be a difficult tight rope to walk, so it’s only for the accomplished faker.
I hope I’ve been able to provide you with a few tips that will send you on your way to being an accomplished faker because as we all know lots of people like to fake chronic illness to get their jollies. Best of luck!
Nicely done. These are real-life situations for us chronic illness sufferers. And although this is written with humor and clever wit, my own experiences lead me to read it with a sarcastic tone and barely-concealed resentment at those who question our chronic lives. We would never voluntarily choose to live the way we do.
I wrote it when I was feeling pretty snippy. On a good day I can read it with more humor, but it can definitely be read with barely concealed resentment.
I have fibromyalgia and I can tell you now ITS NOT A FAKE ILLNESS IT’S VERY REAL! how dare you say this I’m absolutely raging 7yr ive had this it has stole my life away I hope you never get it.
Mandy, did you read the article?
It took me a moment to realise you were being sarcastic lol (blame the Fibro Fog) a really witty post and so true. Would anyone really sacrifice so much of their life to fake this thing? Sadly yes and they make life harder for those of us who can’t escape our symptoms.
Right? I just don’t get why people think that having an illness is something we would choose!
Add “Anytime you get an injury figure out a way for it to take WAAYY longer than anyone else to heal from it.” Maybe some deep purple bruise CC cream might do it.
This had me chucking. Good one!
Thank you! I wasn’t sure how to keep faking my chronic pelvic pain of 10+ years, or my more recent random joint pain and swelling. You forgot, go to physical therapy twice a week and work your butt off because surely this is going to make your knee stop hurting with every step and then spend the rest of the day on the couch alternating between a tens unit and ice and wondering what the hell PT is actually for.