Being accused of faking your illness is a right of passage for anyone who lives with a chronic illness. If they don’t outright accuse you of faking, they give you terrible advice.
Here are some simple solutions that have been presented to me by various doctors in their true desire to be helpful.
1. Exercise more
Everyone knows that only fat and lazy people get sick. If you just stop eating potato chips and get up off the couch then you wouldn’t need to go to the doctor and waste all that money. You’re too fatigued to walk? Try running. If you just move really really fast your fatigue will disappear.
2. Stop being female
Women are always complaining and hysterically making up ailments. Women are all faking their illnesses, which is why they’re the inferior sex. If you were a man you’d suck it up and never get medical treatment. You wouldn’t need to spend money on the doctor if you just turned into a man.
3. Remember that you are really just crazy and are definitely faking your illness
If you just accept the fact that you’re crazy you’d probably feel better. I’m going to refuse to help you with your health problem, tell you that you’re nuts, and then charge you $300 for the privilege. Doctors are so much better and smarter than everyone else. Really you should just bow to my superior brain. I came up with the idea that you’re crazy because I’m super smart.
Related posts:
How to start an exercise routine when you have Fibromyalgia
When doctors don’t want to listen to their patients
How to find the right doctor to treat your chronic illness
4. Stop eating
Everything you’re currently eating is poison. If you’re eating fruits and vegetables every day, IT’S NOT ENOUGH! Those fruits and veggies are poison unless they are organic, locally grown, and non-GMO. Anything else is killing you. Are you drinking pasteurized milk? Because if you’re not drinking non pasteurized milk from the cow milked in your backyard that morning you are just asking to be sick. If you can’t afford these things just stop eating, then you will be cured and won’t have to go to the doctor. ALL FOOD IS POISON, STOP BOTHERING THE DOCTOR WITH YOUR POISONED BODY.
5. Remind yourself that you’re just on your period and you’re just hysterical
Women on their periods cannot be trusted because they’re emotional and out of control. I mean you have blood pouring out of your body every single month, how insane is that? If men had periods they would have come up with a better way to do it by now, this just shows how inefficient women are. You’re all “sensitive” so if you just remind yourself that your own body and emotions cannot be trusted you won’t need to go to the doctor. Remember you’re not feeling sensitive because you’re in pain, it’s because your lady feelings can’t be trusted. Remember this and you will save money and keep you from wasting the doctor’s time.
6. Have you thought about taking Acetaminophen (Tylenol) for your excruciating pain and fake illness?
You’ve probably never thought about this, but you need to take Acetaminophen for your excruciating pain (it’s what the CDC recommends after all). I know you’re just sitting around hurting and so you can’t muster the brain cells to think you should do something about it besides going to the doctor, but really Acetaminophen will solve all your problems. It fixes all pain! Recovering from surgery, take it! Broken leg, take it! Complicated autoimmune disease, take it! Heart bypass, take it! If you just took Acetaminophen instead of going to the doctor you’d save loads of money.
7. Stop making up diseases and faking your illness, then you won’t have to pay for them
Though this was somewhat covered in previous statements it needs some more emphasis. You are wasting doctors’ time with your fake disease and complaining about how much it costs. If you just got over yourself and stopped acting like being sick was a problem then you’d save tons of money.
8. Have you tried being positive?
If you are actually sick it’s because you have a bad attitude. If you just tried harder to be happy about your illness then you’d get better.
9. You just need to accept your pain
Pain is a reality of life, you just need to accept that. Patients who don’t practice pain acceptance are addicts. It doesn’t matter if the pain prevents you from sleeping, or even walking, it’s really just minded over matter.
I must be crazy, I must be crazy, I must be crazy. Just got to remember that. Also need to take up running and try more positive thinking. That’ll make my body healthy. But wait, there’s nothing wrong with me, so I don’t need to…!
These made me chuckle – so sad as it’s true when you are made to feel as though there’s nothing wrong with you and are instead offered ‘common sense’/stupid suggestions in place of actual help. Brilliant post!!
Caz x
Hey everybody!! I am writing a research paper for nursing school on fibromyalgia. My mom was diagnosed about 7 years ago and its been an ongoing issue for her to get help and support over the years. I have a question for everybody though. Do you feel like the help and support has gotten better, worse, or stayed the same over the years? I know that for my mom it seems like she will get a doctor who seems to care more, but then they just give her a referral for another doctor. That has been an ongoing process for YEARS.