I don’t talk about my health problems very often, not even to my spouse. In fact he complains about his health more than I do and he’s perfectly healthy. When he was complaining the other day about how much he hurt after playing basketball I realized how ridiculous it was that he feels he can complain about pain and I who feel horrible pain at all times say nothing. The fact that I don’t feel I can complain is my fault though, not his. I am afraid of complaining. I’ve let all the messages of “positive thinking” and “don’t focus on your pain” go to my head. I’ve been taught to use the “everything is awesome” and “fake it till you make it” strategy, and clearly, it isn’t working for me.
Complaining about chronic illness
One reason is that when you have chronic health problems you get used to not being taken seriously. Our doctors tell us we need to get over our pain, our family wonders why we can’t just try harder, and we start to doubt our own feelings. When you’ve been informed by everyone around you that your illness can’t really be that bad, you start to internalize it. Even when things do get really difficult and your health takes a turn for the worse, you feel like you won’t be taken seriously no matter what you say, and therefore you minimize how unmanageable things are.
Another reason is that if we didn’t downplay our illnesses and how they affect our lives, we’d never talk about anything else. Chronic illness affects every single facet of our lives, and there is no escaping. It’s not socially acceptable to acknowledge that people with chronic pain live in constant misery. We’re supposed to be happy and positive, and we’re not supposed to acknowledge how hard things are. People don’t like to see the ugly parts of life, and that includes the ugly parts of living with a never-ending illness. No one wants to be around that person, the person who is always complaining about how hard their life is.
Finding a balance between sharing too much and sharing too little
I often joke about how I’ll never be one of those ideal, saintly sick people. You know, the Beth from “Little Woman” types, saintly thinking of others while stuck in bed and never complaining about their lot in life. In reality, people like that rarely exist because we’re real people, not ideal fictional characters.
I’ve never been great at finding a balance between sharing too much and not sharing anything. I’m aware that no one wants to be around a negative person, and so I try not to bring people down with the realities of my life. I don’t like to burden other people with my problems. Still, that stops me from sharing things that I probably should share and from making deeper meaningful relationships. Finding the balance between sharing too much and sharing too little is something I’m constantly working on. Too often I hold back because I don’t want to burden the other person.
You have a right to complain about your illness
One thing I’ve realized is while no one wants to hear the nitty-gritty details of my suffering, there’s nothing wrong with saying, “I am not doing very well. I am hurting and I am exhausted.” Healthy people say this all the time when they get sick, and just because that is true more often than it is in a healthy person doesn’t invalidate the complaint. Don’t let anyone accuse you of being negative just because you’re sharing what your life is really like. Everyone had the right to vent about their difficulties occasionally.