No really.
I’m sitting here trying to get in touch with my feelings so that I can write a blog post, and I can’t do it because I’ve cut off all my feelings. I’m not supposed to feel sad or frustrated, and so I’ve shut those feelings down with regard to my health. Now I feel nothing.
It’s a scary feeling, realizing that you’re dead inside. Makes you wonder what’s wrong with you and how you ever found yourself in such a place. How did I ever let people convince me that my feelings about my health weren’t valid? At what point did I start listening to the haters and the know-it-alls who supposedly know more than I do? At what point did I give up on doctors and just resign myself to being in miserable pain forever and ever because no one was interested in helping me? At what point did that resignation mean that I was no longer going to acknowledge my feelings about the situation? I honestly don’t know.
The emotional impacts of constant pain
Emotion and chronic pain or chronic illness are complicated. I have fairly healthy self-esteem and I fairly robust “f*** you haters” attitude. And yet here I am. All the stubbornness and rebellion in the world didn’t stop me from shutting down and denying my own experiences and my own body. Years of being ignored, mocked, not taken seriously, and belittled have made their mark.
I have to wonder how often this happens to other people, and what can be done to prevent it. I don’t have any easy answers to that question. It seems one has to entirely ignore every single person around them (including medical professionals) to be healthy mentally. That’s not something that is easy to do. Surrounding oneself with supportive people is of course important, but I don’t know anyone who managed to completely avoid contact with the haters. Even if you have a wonderful family, you still have to fight constant battles with doctors, insurance, and pharmacists. Not one day goes by that I don’t hear a horror story of a pharmacist refusing to fill someone’s medication because they don’t believe the medication is needed. The usual excuses are: you’re too young for this much medication, I don’t think this medication applies to your condition, I’m judging you for taking a controlled substance, I don’t like your doctor, or I just don’t like you.
Not one day goes by that I don't hear a horror story of a pharmacist refusing to fill someone's pain medication because they don't personally approve. Why are pharmacists replacing doctors? Share on XIf you can’t even go to the pharmacist without getting harassed and belittled, how can you stay strong and true to yourself and your emotions? I don’t think the typical pat answers for coping will do here. There’s a reason that people with chronic pain/illness are three times more likely to develop depression and anxiety than healthy people. When you google suggestions for help with this the advice typically states suggestions like “assemble a good health care team”. Well, what do you do when no one wants to help you because you have chronic pain, and chronic pain is now the same as addiction? What do you do when your condition is no longer recognized as real? This has some real emotional consequences, and ignoring them isn’t helping anyone.
I don’t know where exactly I’m going with this post. I originally wrote this on a bad day because I just wanted to write a purely honest post about how hard living in pain can be in every aspect of your life. Even though not every day feels like this (some days you wake up fighting the good fight), chronic pain touches absolutely everything, even when you try to keep it from doing so. Everyone reacts to this differently. I’ve reacted by shutting down my emotions and separating myself from people. Others react by acting out and seeking attention, pushing themselves beyond their capabilities, completely retreating from life, or by obsessing about their health, everyone is different.
I guess what it comes down to is more awareness. Healthy people need to be more aware of the complications of living with chronic pain. Doctors need to be more aware that wishing things better isn’t a valid treatment option. Family members need to be aware that people with chronic pain are doing the best they can with the hand they’ve been dealt. People in pain need to be aware that they’re coping the best they can, and that’s okay.
