- Drink all the shakes! Take all the pills! Drink milk from a Himalayan mountain goat by the light of the full moon! All the Fibromyalgia cures out there are totally legitimate, you just need to make 300 payments of $99. If you can’t afford that it’s because you’re too lazy to work, you just want to be sick so you can mooch off others.
2. Just use a positive attitude. Because you know “the only disability in life is a bad attitude,” or at least I’ve been told by someone who isn’t disabled. Because we can all control everything that happens in our life, nothing ever happens by random chance. If you have Fibromyalgia you were really just asking for it because you’re not happy enough.
3. Just use more faith. People who suffer just aren’t faithful enough, because we all know that God punishes people who are bad and rewards people who are good. God is basically Santa Clause after all. So if you have Fibromyalgia it’s because God doesn’t think you’re trying hard enough. God is frowning down on you and your lack of faith so get it together.
4. Just try harder. Because really you aren’t trying hard enough. You may have tried: changing your diet, exercising more, getting rid of processed foods, getting rid of sugar, switching to natural cleaning products, having a better attitude, giving up caffeine, switching to soy, giving up soy, going gluten free, taking tons vitamins, but that’s not good enough! You must push harder! You must push through the pain, screw the consequences!
5. Just exercise more. We all know that exercise is the cure for being fatigued and in pain. It has never made pain worse or sent someone with Fibromyalgia into a long flair. In fact, the more exercise the more cured you will be, so get out there and start running!
6. Eat healthy food. If you give up everything that tastes good you will be cured! That apple you ate yesterday, that caused your Fibromyalgia. Better stick to eating home grown, organic, sung a lullaby every night-vegetables. Anything else is pure poison, so you should feel guilty anytime you eat it.
7. Listen to your doctor. You doctor knows absolutely everything about Fibromyalgia and your health. She listens to your every word then spends hours devising a perfect treatment plan just for you so you can be cured. Make sure you listen to your wise all knowing doctor, because doctors are basically God since they know everything.
