In February 2020, I didn’t know I was disabled.
Hard to believe, right?
I knew I was in constant pain, fatigued, with no immune system, and I struggled to live anything resembling a normal life. Still, I didn’t consider myself disabled because no one had ever mentioned it. Even after 10 years of blogging about chronic illness disability never crossed my mind, until Covid showed up.
Covid and disabled people- March 2020
Covid starts shutting everything down during my kids’ spring break. They never go back to school.
I start doom scrolling about Covid and I learn that we’re supposed to wear a mask. At first, it’s not super important because we don’t go anywhere, but eventually, we have to go out to run errands and such. I buy a few masks online and figure it won’t be too hard to get used to wearing them.
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Covid gets real in April/May 2020
April/May is when I find out I’m disabled. This happens because masks were politicized in the US. Since I’m in Texas many people refuse to wear them, including many people I know. As I see people I thought were friends claim they’ll never wear masks, I point out that Covid kills disabled people. They say that they don’t care, their right to “not be told what to do” is more important than the lives of others. I point out to said friends that I’m immunocompromised and they could kill me. They tell me it doesn’t matter.
That’s when I realize that I’m in the same category as disabled people, and I need to stop with the denial. I’m a part of the group whose deaths are being pushed aside as insignificant. I’m disabled.
The impact of Covid 19 on disabled people
I quickly learn that being disabled means your life is viewed as having little value. People comfort themselves that Covid isn’t a big deal because only disabled and old people will die.
When you're disabled your life is viewed as having little value. That's why so many healthy people comfort themselves about Covid. Only the old and disabled will die after all. Share on XI can hear them.
I start to wonder if they’re right. If people who know me are so willing to sacrifice me in the face of inconvenience, what does that mean about me?
But no, I’m advocating for empathy and caring, that will never be the wrong thing to do. Caring about other people and their safety is important.
Being disabled is hard
It turns out being disabled is hard. It’s grating on the soul to be misunderstood by almost everyone. When you advocate for yourself people accuse you of being mean, lazy, bitchy, or selfish. People tell you that being disabled is just “a point of view” and that other points of view are equally important (such as Covid isn’t real or a big deal). Since when is preserving lives a “point of view?” I always thought that everyone wanted to preserve lives, but that is not the case anymore.
It turns out being disabled is hard. It's grating on the soul to be misunderstood by almost everyone. When you advocate for yourself people accuse you of being mean, bitchy, or selfish. Share on XWhat does this treatment do to disabled people like me? It affects my ability to trust and believe. I feel like I always have to be on the defense, always proving my right to exist. I have to prove that I have value to society, not just value to myself.
The Covid vaccine
Not quite a year has passed from when I learned I was disabled. The Covid vaccine is out and is available to healthcare workers and people with connections. I see healthy people who mocked the disabled get their vaccine, and I wonder if I’ll ever be able to leave the house again. Because as healthy people are vaccinated, they’ll stop taking the few precautions they were following. Covid deniers get vaccines even as high-risk populations get nothing. See #highriskCA for examples.
At the beginning of the pandemic our deaths didn’t matter because we were high risk. Now when it comes to the vaccine disabled people don’t matter because they don’t have the right jobs. Some states put disabled people in their age group, leaving young disabled people to be one of the last populations vaccinated. They will be in significant danger from “healthy” people. Disabled people cry to their government for help. Rinse. Repeat.
The pandemic has shown people for who they are and it's worn disabled people down. Being told you're an acceptable casualty is HARD. Watching healthy people get vaccinated is HARD. Waiting for the world to be safe again is HARD. Share on XIt’s been a long year
This is not a sad or depressing post, it’s a realistic one. The pandemic has shown people for who they are and it’s worn disabled people down. Being told you’re an acceptable casualty is HARD. Watching healthy people get vaccinated is HARD. Waiting for the world to be safe again is HARD. Someday, things will change for the better.