7 ways to cure yourself of Fibromyalgia (or not)

7 ways to cure your Fibromyalgia

1.Drink all the shakes! Take all the pills! Drink milk from a Himalayan mountain goat by the light of the full moon!  All the Fibromyalgia cures out there are totally legitimate, you just need to make 300 payments of $99. If you can’t afford that it’s because you’re too lazy to work, you just want to be sick so you can mooch off others.

Take all the things. Cure Fibromyalgia.

2. Just use a positive attitude. Because you know “the only disability in life is a bad attitude,” or at least I’ve been told by someone who isn’t disabled.  Because we can all control everything that happens in our life, nothing ever happens by random chance. If you have Fibromyalgia you were really just asking for it because you’re not happy enough.

positive thinking cures everything

 

positive thinking cures everything

3. Just use more faith. People who suffer just aren’t faithful enough, because we all know that God punishes people who are bad and rewards people who are good. God is basically Santa Clause after all. So if you have Fibromyalgia it’s because God doesn’t think you’re trying hard enough. God is frowning down on you and your lack of faith so get it together.

fix all the problems

god doesn't work like that

 

4. Just try harder. Because really you aren’t trying hard enough. You may have tried: changing your diet, exercising more, getting rid of processed foods, getting rid of sugar, switching to natural cleaning products, having a better attitude, giving up caffeine, switching to soy, giving up soy, going gluten free, taking tons vitamins, but that’s not good enough! You must push harder! You must push through the pain, screw the consequences!

push myself through the pain

 

send myself into a week long flair

 

5. Just exercise more. We all know that exercise is the cure for being fatigued and in pain. It has never made pain worse or sent someone with Fibromyalgia into a long flair. In fact, the more exercise the more cured you will be, so get out there and start running!

exercise will stop all pain

now i can barely walk

 

6. Eat healthy food. If you give up everything that tastes good you will be cured! That apple you ate yesterday, that caused your Fibromyalgia. Better stick to eating home grown, organic, sung a lullaby every night-vegetables. Anything else is pure poison, so you should feel guilty anytime you eat it.

eat all the kale

 

kale is disgusting

 

7. Listen to your doctor. You doctor knows absolutely everything about Fibromyalgia and your health. She listens to your every word then spends hours devising a perfect treatment plan just for you so you can be cured. Make sure you listen to your wise all knowing doctor, because doctors are basically God since they know everything.

my doctor knows everything

my doctor says I'm crazy

 photo signature_zps2ek8wm8a.jpg

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3 thoughts on “7 ways to cure your Fibromyalgia

  1. The books that John E Sarno wrote helped me end the pain. Many docs just don’t know what’s going on therefore do little for you. Another good one is Hope and Help for your nerves by Claire Weekes. Between John E Sarno and Claire Weekes, I would have saves thousands of dollars in treatments.

  2. 1. I make my own shakes although some would call them tremors. Seriously: a liquidizer and some frozen spinch and cabbage – delicious.
    2. I am positive that I am sick of hearing about positive thinking.
    3. Don’t get me on my soapbox about “God”! Faith is believing in yourself.
    4. I HAVE tried changing my diet and I like it.
    5. Ha! I have chronic fatigue and muscle atrophy and you want me to exercise more.
    6. Thumbs up for this one. Did you know that in civilised society, malnutrition is still a problem?
    7. Listen to your doctor – No. Liaten to your body, it makes more sense and it has a vested interest.

    Thanks for a highly entertaining look at the medical world we all rely on.

  3. I’ve been reading a lot of your blog today and loving it. I have chronic illness and although it’s not fibro a whole lot of what you say still applies.

    This post hits the nail right on the head. I especially love being told that positive thinking will cure my chronic major depression. It’s like saying that holding still will cure Parkinson’s Disease.

    You may enjoy Allie Brosh’s blog, Hyperboleandahalf (http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com). She’s the artist who drew the illustrations in this post. She’s absolutely hilarious.

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