I hate your guts and that’s why I decided to be sick. I thought for a long time about how I could make you suffer. There are the usual methods, but they just seemed to easy. I don’t like to do things the easy way, so I came up with a better idea then anyone else has ever come up with. I would contract an illness and purposely inconvenience your life! It’s a brilliant con if I don’t say so myself, I bet you never saw it coming. At first I thought I’d just fake an illness, but that would just be to obvious, I wanted to be more devious than that. So I had to find a way to purposely contract a chronic illness that would ruin your life. Yes, I did think about how it would affect me, but we all know that you are the most important person in the universe, so that’s all that really matters.
It turns out contracting a chronic illness was much easier then I thought it would be. All I had to do was rely on the natural stupidity and self righteous judgement of doctors, and they practically took care of everything for me. They all told me I was crazy just like I expected they would. They neglected and delayed my treatment, which worked splendidly for my purposes. I knew I could count on doctors not to heal me when I was obviously sick. This was all part one of my plan to ruin your life.
The next phase involved spending tons of money going from doctor to doctor “trying” to see if they would provide me with answers. Predictably they did not, and you began to be inconvenienced by my constant pain and fatigue. At this point the pain and fatigue didn’t bother me at all, I actually enjoyed them because I knew how badly they annoyed you. I loved that every part of my body was hurting. I loved that my fatigue preventing me from working, having a social life, or living the life of a normal human being. I got to laze around all day and make you do everything for me, because that’s what people with chronic illness do.
Phase three of my plan involved trying different methods to “reduce” my pain. It was really great to torture you with the side effects of the new medication. I hope the nausea, fatigue, extreme sweating, and weight gain really inconvenienced you, because I loved every minute of it. Phase four involved giving up on medications because the side effects were “too bad,” even though I actually loved them. This phase got rid of the physical side effects of the medication but caused some “depression” from the lack of assistance received from doctors, friends, and family. I was really enjoying the fact that no one believed me or offered to help, but I pretended to be sad about it because it seems like that should be a sad thing. Wasn’t sad to me though, I was jumping for joy that my plan worked out so thoroughly. I became an even bigger inconvenience to you, and I had you just where I wanted.
The final phase of my plan involved me losing absolutely everything that was important to me. I lost my job, I lost my health, I lost my friends, I lost the ability to do any of my hobbies, and it was all glorious. I was so happy that I could lose everything just to get back at you. It certainly didn’t feel like a loss to me at all because my life wasn’t really that important to me.
So that’s it. That’s my master plan to ruin your life, I hope you appreciate all the hard work I put into it.
*Shared on chronic Friday linkup