1. You get to lay in bed all day and eat marshmallows while watching Mexican soap operas. There is certainly no pain involved, because after all you are faking it. Really it’s great to watch everyone else go on with their lives while you sit in bed hopped up on painkillers (you are a druggy after all). If only everyone could be so lucky.
2. You get to see your doctor every single month. It’s so much fun to go sit in the waiting room for hours in those stiff chairs, it certainly doesn’t exacerbate your condition at all. It’s even better to be regularly reminded that you are fat and that you need to exercise more and that your pain is just all in your head. Everyone needs to be told on a regular basis that they are fat and that it’s their fault. You even get to waste money you don’t have on the $300 doctors bill. Paying the doctor who didn’t help you is really awesome.
3. You get to take lots of prescription medicine which costs a lot and works very little. Nothing can beat taking more pills than an 80 year old. There is just an amazing thrill of looking at your 10 bottles of medicine and trying to remember what to take when. It’s even better when you have to go to the pharmacy to buy a pill organizer (affiliate link) and the check out person asks if you’re buying it for your grandma. It’s a good thing this fake disease is preparing you for when you are an old person, you’re going to be a pro at this “sick” thing. One day all your friends in the nursing home are going to come to you for advice.
4. You don’t have to socialize with people ever. You can actually go weeks without seeing anyone! As everyone knows, it’s great to stay home all day every day completely immobilized. After all, no one actually likes going out with their friends and having fun. Really we all just want to stay home in bed and not experience anything ever! It’s truly an introverts dream.
5. You don’t have to work, you get to sponge off others who never make you feel guilty about it at all. You get to spend years fighting to get disability benefits if you can afford a disability lawyer, which you probably can’t because you aren’t working and are mooching off others. Oh well, what’s wrong with mooching a little bit more? If you can get disability benefits you get to live the life of luxury on $900 a month. You really get to live high on the town with that kind of money, thanks taxpayers! And, while you’re waiting for appeal after appeal for your disability to go through you get to sponge off whomever you want! It’s so awesome to have to ask other people for money and for them to try to make you feel guilty about it. You never feel guilt though because you have no conscience. You truly are the luckiest person in the world.