September is also pain awareness month and so I’ll be filtering my posts through the lens of chronic pain all month.
Feeling
I have known for a while that late August/September were going to be hard months. I knew school would be back in session and my kids would be attending virtually. This would be enjoyable for no one involved, so I’ve been dreading it a bit. Now it’s here and just as frustrating as I imagined, but I feel better than I thought I would. My kids had school 1 1/2 days last week before they were let out because of the potential hurricane. At the moment when all was in chaos and it looked like disaster was upon us, I felt calm. I was reminded of Brene Brown’s saying “We are called to be brave.” I felt that in that moment I was called to be brave, and I would be able to withstand everything that came my way.
It was an interesting feeling to have so many things to worry about, and have none of them be about Covid19. It was in the back of my mind of course, but much more important was the imminent danger coming our way. In a weird way I felt like I got a break from Covid because it wasn’t my most pressing problem.
Pain wise I’ve been feeling the need to have pep talks with my body. I really need it to do things that it doesn’t want to do. Putting up hurricane boards was an absolute necessity for not having my house destroyed and so I did it even though my body didn’t want to. At one point after about 4 hours running up and down the ladder, I laid down on the cement in exhaustion and said “body, I need you to hang in there. I promise I will rest you tomorrow, but you have to hold up today.”
Grueling
I feel like grueling should be the theme of the pandemic. It’s like this dark cloud that follows me everywhere. Everything I do involves thinking about the pandemic, whether it’s going to the store, or trying to decide whether my daughter should risk taking piano lessons. I struggle with not knowing when this is all going to end because I like to control things and this I can’t control.
The stress of the pandemic has been grueling on my body. I’m in such a heightened state of stress my body is in more pain then usual. As much as I try to do yoga and meditate to deal with the stress and lower my pain levels, it doesn’t work 100%. I try to take one day at a time so I stress out less, but it’s not a perfect system.
Tempting
Every day I am tempted to throw caution to the wind and just ignore reality for a while. I see other people doing it, and I’m so jealous of their freedom. I want to go on vacation, I want to spend time with my extended family, and I want my kids to do school in person. Then I’m reminded that the consequences of my ignoring the pandemic are potentially higher then they are for most people and I try to remind myself I have to be in this for the long haul. I can’t have worked so hard to stay safe for so long and then just give it up.
Running
I like to run from my pain. I like to ignore it and pretend it’s not there because then it feels like it won’t affect me. Of course it does, so this generally blows up in my face. I have a habit of pretending that I’m completely fine when I’m really not. However, during the pandemic I have been forced to get better at this. I’ve really had to stop running from my reality and address my chronic illness and chronic pain. I’ve had to admit that those things make me vulnerable. That admission comes with pluses and minuses, but it has stopped my ignoring what my life with chronic pain is really like.
If you vocalize your suffering and someone responds by being dismissive, that reflects on them, not you. Share on XMending
This subject is a tough one. I’ve faced a lot of push back from being open about the danger of Covid19 to people with chronic illness, chronic pain, and disabilities. Many have not been kind about my advocacy, and I had to remove some people from my life for my protection. I’m left wondering which relationships I should try to mend and which ones I just need to let go. For now though, I’m working on mending myself. I’ve come to the conclusion that if I vocalize my suffering and someone responds by being dismissive, that reflects on them and not me.
I think it’s been a tough few months for everybody. We’ve all had to confront issues that are challenging, whether they be financial, emotional, or physical. I just keep reminding myself that I am called to be brave.
